Circuit Rider's Humor Hut
Circuit Rider's Humor Hut
Music Title: Pennsylvania Polka 
Humor Hut Index
Hello and welcome to a bit of the lighter side of Circuit Rider's Range, my friend. As you can see, some of my relatives are already here and ready to party! I forgot to tell them to dress up a bit and so they came in the old bulky work suits such as you see me wear on occasion when I am doing some of the hard manual labor required to keep the Range running smoothly.
Some of you will find this hard to believe, but my boss, CR, does have a sense of humor -- well, yes, I admit it's a bit weird at times, but I and some others have actually seen him laugh. And sometimes it's under funny circumstances -- like when he gets some Email that seems to have come from a 10 gage shotgun with double 0 buckshot included! If the senders of those Emails could see him when he is reading those missiles, they would probably call GWB in DC and tell him to nuke Belsano PA!
What follows are items of humor picked up here and there in recent months. A lot is passed around on the Internet and author or authors are unknown. Where there is identity, we will try to make that known. So take a ride through the Humor Hut and have a laugh or two 
Be sure to examine the most important philosophical question of all time which has to do with chickens -- the flippant answer with which we are all too familiar just doesn't cut it anymore! See how some very learned individuals, past and present, have dealt with this question that has great earth shattering implications! And there are other important subjects you will want to consider as well for your increase in knowledge and wisdom!
Even the Marines Have to Be Impressed with
the U. S. Navy's Catch & Release Program!
The U. S. Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while he was held prisoner aboard a U. S. aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In a humanitarian gesture the terrorist was given $50 US and a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy!
FBI Warning of Terrorists Lurking Among Amish at Lancaster PA!
Photographic evidence is overwhelming indicating terrorists are in Lancaster area!
Thanks to the diligence of the FBI in making sure that our homeland is as secure as possible, the below photo does indicate something suspicious -- it was reported that this particular buggy crossed the border from Canada into the United States near Niagra Falls -- of course, it could be a newlywed couple returning from a honeymoon!
Well, the FBI could be right -- but then maybe this is the result of an Amish experiment in cloning among their livestock, and this experiment went somewhat awry!!!
KFC Super What? - at Clarion PA!
Subtitle: Super Bowls Are One Thing But....!
Ooooh! Just couldn't resist the temptation to pass this one along, since it was taken in my home town of Clarion PA -- see the majestic Clarion County Court House in the background -- a fellow high school classmate was the sitting judge in that court house before retirement a few years back -- and in Clarion, you can use the word "super" in connection with more than the term, "Super Bowl" -- ummm -- I wonder if they still teach spelling in my home town???? --- cdh 
A double whammy on this one! Upon seeing this sign, a pastor friend in another part of the U.S. wrote to me and told me of an experience he had in a church he served some time ago -- beautiful church with a solid oak baptismal font containing a plastic bowl to hold the water. Some sincere person who wanted to make sure the bowl didn't get mixed up with other bowls in the kitchen felt the one in the baptismal font should be clearly identified, and so the following ID was written on the underside of the container: "Bowel for Baptisms" -- who said you can't find a reason to smile in church once in a while?
A Bricklayer's Insurance Claim!
Subtitle: And You Think Your Day Was Rough!
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.
I let go of the rope!
-- author unknown
-- circulated on the Internet
More Wisdom from Dear Abby!
Dear Abby:
As much as it pains me to say this, my husband is a lying cheat. He
tells me he loves me but has cheated on me our entire marriage. He's a good
provider and has many friends and supporters. They also know he's a lying
cheat, but they avoid the issues. He is a hard worker, but even many of his
co-workers are now leary of him.
Everytime he gets caught he first denies it all, then admits that he was
wrong, and then begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long
now that everyone in town knows with certainty that he's a cheat.
I am truly exasperated and at my wits end. Please tell me what I should do.
(signed) Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?
Abby
-- circulated on the Internet
Ten Worst Cars of All Time with Testimonials!"
1st place - the Yugo
"I once test drove a Yugo, during which the radio fell out, the gear shift knob came off in my hand, and I saw daylight through the strip around the windshield."
"The Yugo's first stop after the showroom was the service department: 'Fill 'er up and replace the engine!'"
"Any time we made a right hand turn, we all had to lean to the right to prevent the driver's side rear tire from scraping against the wheel well."
"At least it had heated rear windows--so your hands would stay warm while you pushed."
2nd Place - Chevy Vega
"When the rear end went on my Vega, the Chevy dealer accused me of racing it. Racing who? My grandfather in his wheelchair?"
"As near as I could tell, the car was built from compressed rust.
"My Chevy Vega actually broke in half going over railroad tracks. The whole rear end came around slightly to the front, sort of like a dog wagging its tail."
3rd Place - Ford Pinto
"Dad had a baby-poop-orange Pinto the year that car thieves hit our street. Although a dozen cars were stolen in one night, ours was there the next morning, on a strangely empty block."
"Remember that great Pinto bumper sticker, 'Hit Me and We Blow Up Together?'"
"The car would do 75 mph in 2nd gear, shaking apart and sounding like a bat out of hell. In fourth gear, the top speed was 70 mph. What's wrong with this picture? You do the math."
"I took this car to a high-crime shopping mall and left it unlocked with the keys in the ignition. I came back several days later and, much to my disgust, it was still there."
4th Place - AMC Gremlin
"Calling it a pregnant roller skate would be kind."
"It was entirely possible to read a Russian novel during the pause between stepping on the gas and feeling any semblance of forward motion."
"The car had all the quality and safety of a cheap garden tractor."
5th Place - Chevy Chevette
"An engine surrounded by 4 pieces of drywall!"
"The Chevette just reeked of dinky-even the ad shouted that this was the dinky little car for you. The ad didn't show the car going anywhere fast... because it couldn't."
"Plywood floor, printed circuit 'wiring' and no redeeming qualities. It was a throw away, 'Saturday Night Special' from the word go."
"If I got on the Interstate without being run over, the car would creep towards 55. About an hour later, I'd reach it. Then, the shaking would begin."
"The big winter of 82-83 froze all the Chevettes in my town like dumb ducks on an icy lake."
6th Place - Renault LeCar
"I'm convinced that the body metal for this car was supplied by Reynold's Aluminum."
"Like any French restaurant in America, it was overpriced, noisy, moody, and would put you in mortal danger if you had an accident with anything larger than a croissant."
"Our Le Car couldn't climb a hill fully loaded, so the passengers had to get out and walk up."
7th Place - Dodge Aspen/Plymouth Volare
"This car began to rust while it was still in the showroom."
"The stalling problem was so bad that I had to take a clockwise route to work so I could make all right turns, and not risk stalling on a left turn in front of oncoming traffic."
"After the floor boards rusted out in the rear, they would fill up with water and freeze. I ended up putting soda crates on the floor in the back to keep people from falling under the car."
"The only useful purpose this car served was as the model for the car used in National Lampoon's Vacation."
"Owning a Volare was total ego death--the theme song, the vinyl Landau roof, the inability to pass another car on the highway."
8th Place - Cadillac Cimarron
"GM thought they could take a Chevy Cavalier, slap some Cadillac stuff on it, add an extra $5,000.00 and sell a bundle. Tragically enough, they pulled it off-for a while."
"Hands down, worst car for the money spent. Yugos were junk, but at least they were cheap. This heap had a Caddy price tag!"
"A stupid marketing ploy. Nothing more than a Chevrolet Cavalier, which Roger Smith gussied up and called a Cadillac."
"When we traded it in my wife was upset because we didn't keep it long enough for her to buy a gun and shoot it."
9th Place - Renault Dauphine
"Truly unencumbered by the engineering process."
"At the time, it cost about half the price of a Volkswagen... which was half the price of everything else. How could Renault do this? Simple. It had half as many parts."
"This car topped out at 45 mph. Since the minimum speed on the Florida Turnpike is 40, patrol cars would follow me, waiting for me to hit a hill so they could ticket me."
"From a historical perspective, it's a shame that the French spent their Marshall Plan dollars on automaking."
"A side impact by a bicycle totaled my Dauphine after only one year."
10th Place - VW Bus
"If everyone had to own one of these as a first car as I did, there would be no traffic jams anywhere. At least half of us would be so turned off by the experience of owning a car, that we would seek alternate means of transportation."
"There was no heat--unless, that is, the auxiliary gas heater caught fire."
"The flower stickers were the only things that held the car together."
"The bus had no heat, blew over in the wind and used the driver's legs as its first line of defense in an accident."
"It was a death trap on the highway-you could never go fast enough. The chances were good that you'd be hit from the rear."
--- Source: The Internet -- where else????
Support the Bill Clinton Monument Project!"
REQUEST FOR MONEY:
Dear Friend:
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise
five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted
to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room
for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C.Hall
of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed.
It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington,who
never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth,
since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest
Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going,
did not know where he was when he got there, returned not knowing where he had been,
and did it all on someone else's money!
If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes,
we expect a generous contribution to this worth while project.
Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee
PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far!
Rules of the Air!
1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull
the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling
the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than
up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to
keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot
start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided
with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great'
landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to
make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power
to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the
angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of
survival and vice versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get
to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking
about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction.
Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide
out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the
number of take offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing.
Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of
experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you
empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels
them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going
round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the
passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going
hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour,
the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the
experience usually comes from bad judgment.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as
much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And
it's not subject to repeal.
24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above
you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
[Source: Good Clean Funnies List via Royce C. Doan via Australian Aviation Magazine]
Protecting Our Nuclear "Secrets!"
To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy
Dear staff members:
Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our
minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to
tighten up just a bit.
Effective Monday:
1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives
that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on
the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will
be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of
you, but it's a sad sign of the times.
2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no
longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code
will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.
3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea
and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be
required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello,
My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.
4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no
longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as
www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links
to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher
will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by
posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of
leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter
supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small
amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little
weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who
are helping the kids with their science fair projects.
8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for
"recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made
for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you
posted.
9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the
burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc
players during working hours.
10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees
must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no
longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid
clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and
oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the
valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.
Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37
1/2 hours of the week!
Sincerely,
Bill
Received from Linda A Russell
via Good Clean Funnies List
Oh, To Be Ten Again!
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and
off they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming
Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down.
Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with
extra fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola
and sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like
being ten again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
[Source: Good Clean Funnies List]
And You Think You Are Having a Bad Day?
Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:
1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by
the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits!
Here's hoping your day is better than any of these
[Source: Circulated by friends on Internet!]
Understanding the Isms of the World!
Socialism: If you have two cows, give one to your neigbor.
Communism: If you have two cows, you give them to the government and the government gives you some milk.
Facism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government; then the government sells you the milk.
New Dealism: If you have two cows, you shoot one and milk the other; then you pour the milk down the drain.
Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.
Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.
Source: A clipping from a mountain of clippings belonging
to CR's mother, dating back into the 40's or earlier!
Easing the Pain of Paying the IRS!
Dear IRS:
"Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment. Please take note of the
attached newspaper article and you will see that the Pentagon is
paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers
(value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429. Please note the
overpayment of $22 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as
noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund
a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article: HUD paid $22 for a 1.5 inch
phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this
year, and I look forward to paying it again next year."
[Source: Washington Times and relayed via
The Federalist Brief 00/02/15]
The Theology of Toys!
- Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
- Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
- Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
- Anglican - They were our toys first.
- Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
- Atheism - There is no toy maker.
- Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
- Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
- Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
- Communism - No matter how hard you work, everyone gets the same number of
toys.
- Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
- Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
- Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
- Hedonism - To heck with the rule book! Let's play!
- Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
- 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
- Baptist - Once played, always played.
- Jehovah's Witness - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
- Existentialism - Toys are.
- Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
- Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just
play with them.
- Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of
difference.
- Methodist - We respect each person to have the right to their own toys, we
do not judge if their toys are good toys or bad toys, A toy is a toy.
[Source: Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List]
Excuses Carried to School!
These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)
collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston:
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent.She was sick and I had her shot.
- Dear School:Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31,
32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out
of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.He was
hurt in the growing part.
- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
very close veins.
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
- Please excuse Ray Friday from school.He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhea and
his boots leak.
- Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I
don't know what size she wear.
- Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we
thought it was Sunday.
- Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.We have to attend her
funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a
weekend with the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold
and could not breed well.
- Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever
and sore throat. Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be
something going around.Her father even got hot last night.
Letter Home from Student!
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying
very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if
you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear
from you.
Love, Your $on.
___________________
Reply from dad...
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to
keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of
kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
[Source: Good Clean Funnies List]
Potomac Incident!
Three young lads were walking along the Potomac River and suddenly heard a loud splash, then a voice shouting out, "Help me, help me -- I'm drowning!" Seems President Clinton had been walking on a bridge over the river, leaned over the edge to look at the water below, lost his balance, and fell into the river! (or was he pushed?)
As he was about to go down gurgling for the third time the three boys jumped in, swam out to the prez, and brought him to the river bank.
After he finally coughed up the last bit of that pure Potomac water out of his lungs, the president began to express his gratitude.
"You boys just saved Bill Clinton, president of the United States! I want to reward you, for now I can continue my agenda of further weakening the military, get those horrible guns out of the hands of the citizens, create further chaos in the Social Security system and the Medicare system, erode our national sovereignty, push for more government intrusion into the people's private lives, and create a larger dependency class with government hand outs! So I really want to reward you for this act of bravery in saving my life."
To the first boy he said, "Young fellow what would you like?" To which the lad replied, "Well, I'd like a new bike. My dad hasn't had much work and said he just couldn't get it for me right now." "No problem," said the prez. "You'll get the best one money can buy!"
To the second one he asked the same question. The lad replied, "I'd like a computer. My dad is working at a pretty good job but it takes about all the money to pay the taxes and the bills. He said someday he hopes to be able to afford one for me." "No problem -- I'll see that you get the fastest and most powerful machine on the market!" said Bill.
The same question was then put to the third boy. Surprisingly, he responded, "I would like a wheel chair, but not one of those you have to run by hand. I want one of those fancy electric ones with the little stick so that you only have to use a couple of fingers to steer it." Perplexed, the prez asked, "But why do you want one of those? You swam out and helped save me when I was drowning. It's obvious that you are not crippled or handicapped in any way."
To which the lad quickly responded, "No I'm not now, but I will be when my dad finds out I helped rescue Bill Clinton from drowning in the river!"
Passed on to me by good friend, Bob Clark, with some modifications about the agenda items!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other
side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
KEN STARR
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law
enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether
Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?
Circulated on the Internet starting with C. Brisco, Tustin, CA
Showdown on Who Blinks First!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
This little gem passed on to me by long time friend, Charlie Phillips of CA.
Reasons Not to Wash!
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and
apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent
we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash
1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone
else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is
best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the
summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time!
-- passed along by Mike Gordon, fellow member of the Jude Fellowship, who picked it up from Tim's Clean Laugh List.
Drop back, my friend, because there is more to come in the days ahead. And if you are a later visitor, take a look at what's in the Humor Hut Archives listed just below. Remember, a good laugh will do you good. And if you don't laugh once in a while, you'll find yourself crying ALL THE TIME!
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Bill Clinton Monument Project!
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