Circuit Rider's Humor Hut

Circuit Rider's Humor Hut



Music Title: Pennsylvania Polka
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Humor Hut Index


Hello and welcome to a bit of the lighter side of Circuit Rider's Range, my friend. As you can see, some of my relatives are already here and ready to party! I forgot to tell them to dress up a bit and so they came in the old bulky work suits such as you see me wear on occasion when I am doing some of the hard manual labor required to keep the Range running smoothly.

Some of you will find this hard to believe, but my boss, CR, does have a sense of humor -- well, yes, I admit it's a bit weird at times, but I and some others have actually seen him laugh. And sometimes it's under funny circumstances -- like when he gets some Email that seems to have come from a 10 gage shotgun with double 0 buckshot included! If the senders of those Emails could see him when he is reading those missiles, they would probably call that fellow who lives in the White House in Washington DC and tell him to nuke Belsano PA!

What follows are items of humor picked up here and there in recent months. A lot is passed around on the Internet and author or authors are unknown. Where there is identity, we will try to make that known. So take a ride through the Humor Hut and have a laugh or two

Be sure to examine the most important philosophical question of all time which has to do with chickens -- the flippant answer with which we are all too familiar just doesn't cut it anymore! See how some very learned individuals, past and present, have dealt with this question that has great earth shattering implications! And there are other important subjects you will want to consider as well for your increase in knowledge and wisdom!

Wait a minute -- before you move on to some of the hilarious things on the menu here at the Humor Hut, my boss wants a brief personal word with you. OK, boss, take it away....

Thank you, Theo. Any of you who may have visited Circuit Rider's Range on more than one occasion may have seen Theo here and there and his comments on one thing or another from time to time. His official position is that of "Administrative Assistant" and for the most part, he does a pretty good job. Hey, United Methodist bishops have adminsitrative assistants, so I felt I deserved one here on Circuit Rider's Range and it involves more responsibility than working in a bishop's office! In spite of a fouled up economy which Obama & Co. are going to try to set right side up, Theo will not be laid off. I have to keep a constant eye on him. To learn of his background and his very shady past, slip on over to Theo's Special Place. Now that's not the real name of it -- you'll see it when you get there. There is a link there which will bring you back here. Relax, enjoy and smile a bit -- some pastors and church leaders don't because of what is there!


The Obama Redistribution Plan Now At Full Throttle!


We have heard much about it and rumors have been flying for months as well. President Obama is implementing a plan for the redistribution of wealth, no matter in what form that wealth may exist! Also, it matters not what your age may be as well -- if you have what is considered a bit more than others, the president is going to make sure that you will be involved very directly in the redistribution process. Proof is seen in the recent Easter Egg event held at the White House -- while the little girl seems to be objecting, the president will make absolutely no exceptions -- "Come on, kid -- don't you realize that other little kids don't have as many eggs as you -- it's time to share, and don't throw any of that capitalism garbage at me either -- I'm transforming the United States of America!"


Warning on Using Bacon Grease!


I grew up on a farm. We had pigs which we butchered and ate. We had bacon and my mother would use the grease for cooking lots of things. We would even put pieces of bread in the skillet with the bacon grease, soak it up and eat it. At times we used bacon grease in a pan and would make pop corn with it. The bacon grease gave it a good flavor -- in our family we enjoyed pop corn which had been popped in bacon grease. And you won't taste anything better than eggs which have been fried in bacon grease -- ummm good!

But a food warning has been recently issued. You know how lately it seems that about anything you eat can be harmful to you. This is now true of reusing bacon grease due to infallible proof of harmful results from use of the same.

So I have discarded my bacon grease -- in fact, I may quit eating bacon completely due to the risk of taking in some of that grease just in eating a couple of slices from time to time. For your and your family's sake I hope you will also stop using bacon grease or even stop eating bacon completely. Here is the evidence of what it can do to you -- make no mistake about it, this stuff does great harm to certain parts of your body!

Bacon grease will make your feet small!


The King of Pork!


John P. Murtha, infamous congressman from south central Pennsylvania, who represents Johnstown, Cambria County and some other real estate territory, holds a status higher than God Himself among die hard supporters in his district. Big John has channeled millions and millions of dollars into his district, such as a radar system at the airport which is named for him. Just one slight problem -- the radar system isn't being used and it only cost 8 million dollars! Don't you wish you had a "king of pork" in your area? And now a PS to this: John Murtha has crossed from time into eternity and a special election will be held in May to see who will occupy the seat in Congress which he held since the early '70's. Big question -- how much "pork" will his successor be able to channel into the 12th Congressional District of PA?


One Marine!


History of the emblem as reported by a questionable source: "And on the seventh day when God rested we overran His perimeter and stole the globe. We stole the eagle from the Air Force and the anchor from the Navy!"
And now for the rest of the story:

A large group of Iraqi soldiers is moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!"

The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.


The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"

Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.


The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"

The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought.


Then silence. eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There're two of them!"

Semper Fi!

Source: Where else but the Internet!


Firearms Salesman of the Year - An Acknowledgment!


It is most fitting that proper recognition be given to one who is responsible for a sudden spike in firearms sales all over the country. That honor is reserved for one person only whose picture you see below. Since he is rather well known, it is not even necessary to mention his name at this time!

But since that person has moved into the position he presently holds and even before when it was learned about his occupying a new position of extensive influence, the sales of firearms and ammunition have greatly escalated. Dealers are reporting a lot of people who haven't owned guns before are now buying and taking courses instructing them how to use them. Many are being purchased for what has been termed "home defense" and women are buying small handguns and getting permits to carry them in their purses! Good news is it not, in the midst of times when we have government people who would like to scuttle the 2nd Amendment if they could.

The person above who is mainly responsible for this great increase in the sales of firearms should be given an award of some kind, right? But let's not make some kind of plaque to hang upon a wall to gather dust -- why not present him with an AK-47 for all the good he has done in influencing a greater interest in guns?

Source: Another precious gem floating around the Internet in these exciting times!


Understanding Isms and Corporate Structures of the World!
A Recent Updated Version


Traditional Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell the herd and retire on the income.

Socialism
You have two cows. You give one to your neighbor.

Communism
You have two cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

Fascism
You have two cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

Nazism
You have two cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

Bureaucratism
You have two cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

An American corporation
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

AIG Venture Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder. He sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option for one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. Then the public buys your bull.

A French corporation
You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A Japanese corporation
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called *Cowkimon* and market it worldwide.

A German corporation
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

An Italian corporation
You have two cows, but you don*t know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A Swiss corporation
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storage.

A Chinese corporation
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

An Indian corporation
You have two cows. You worship them.

A British corporation
You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Australian corporation
You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A New Zealand corporation
You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.. .!

Source: Just another of those gems floating around the Internet!


A Very Special Ice Cream Flavor Just Introduced!


Here are the facts behind a new fascinating ice cream flavor hitting the market:

In Honor of the 44th President of the United States, Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has issued a new flavor, "Barocky Road."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop. When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to the person in line behind you. Thus you are left with an empty wallet, no change, holding an empty cone, with no hope of getting any ice cream.

Aren't you feeling stimulated and greatly uplifted now that you have experienced first hand that miracle of change President B.Hussein Obama promised the citizens of our republic?


Airspace Violation Protocol!

This one was passed along from a person's friend who flew with a guy who overheard this conversation on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai.

Iranian Air Defense Radar: "Unknown aircraft at (location unknown), you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself."

Aircraft: "This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace."

Iranian Air Defense Radar: "You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace, we will launch interceptor aircraft."

Aircraft: "This is a United States Marine Corps F-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait!"

Iranian Air Defense Radar: (No response....total silence!)

Semper Fi!


Understanding How Our Federal Government Works!
Especially for Dummies!

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey."

The farmer asked, "What'ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. You watch me... I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck now works for the government!

Source: Just another gem from the Internet!


Understanding the Wall Street & Banking Bailout!
Especially for Dummies!

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort.

He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the Wall Street & Banking Bailout Plan will work!

Source: Just another gem from the Internet!


Hollywood's Best Film Corners the Market on Oscar Awards!

Perhaps this one will make it into the Guiness Book of World Records as the one which won more Oscars than any other film in the history of film making, starting with Best Actor (guy on left), Best Actress (gal in center), and Best Supporting Actor (guy on right) -- Hollywood really got caught up with what one author has described as a "slobbering love affair" with the actor on the left -- is that some saliva dribbling down the side of his right cheek?

Source: Just one of those things floating around on the Internet!


Aeronautical Engineers Prove They Can Quickly Adjust to New Challenges!

Everybody has heard of the "Miracle on the Hudson" when a U. S. Airways passenger jet lost both engines shortly after take off and the pilot skillfully glided the plane down to the surface of the Hudson River and managed to bring the plane in at just the right angle so that it eventually settled into the water without breaking up. All persons on board managed to get out safely without injury. Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger is rightfully considered a hero in this incident.

A couple of highly gifted aeronautical engineers have quickly responded with a solution to the crisis of both engines failing in future flights in case other pilots with far less experience than Captain Sullenberger face a similar circumstance. They have done their work well, wouldn't you say?

Source: Just another gem from the Internet!


Rules of the Air!

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.

4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

OK! Time for intermission on the "Rules of the Air" thing!

Hey! Take a look! You are looking at the world's heaviest and largest jet aircraft ever built. It was put together by the Russians. It has a landing gear system of 32 wheels and a wing span of 291 feet (or almost the length of a football field). It can carry internal cargo weighing up to 550,000 pounds (275 tons!) or up to 440,000 pounds (220 tons!) on top of the fuselage. Cargo on top can be about 3/4 of a football field in length. How would you like to be on duty and have the pilot come up to you and say, "I need a tire change real quick -- all 32 of them!"

And yes, the rules of the air apply to this one too! And now back to the rules -- be sure to memorize them in case you are ever at the controls of one such as the Antonov (AN-225) which is pictured above, and make sure all those wheels are down when you land!

9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.

11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa.

12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.

15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.

17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.

18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.

19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.

20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.

22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

24. The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.

[Source: Good Clean Funnies List via Royce C. Doan via Australian Aviation Magazine]


Aren't you glad to be living in this great nation?
A place where right prevails in time?



A Great Historic Moment for the USA!


What's that I hear? A knock at your door?
Are you sure you want to answer?

Knock! Knock!


Even the Marines Have to Be Impressed with
the U. S. Navy's Catch & Release Program!

The U. S. Navy today announced that it has released a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while he was held prisoner aboard a U. S. aircraft carrier in the Arabian Sea. In a humanitarian gesture the terrorist was given $50 US and a white Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody. The attached photo shows the terrorist on his way home just after being released by the Navy!


FBI Warning of Terrorists Lurking Among Amish at Lancaster PA!
Photographic evidence is overwhelming indicating terrorists are in Lancaster area!

Thanks to the diligence of the FBI in making sure that our homeland is as secure as possible, the below photo does indicate something suspicious -- it was reported that this particular buggy crossed the border from Canada into the United States near Niagra Falls -- of course, it could be a newlywed couple returning from a honeymoon!

Well, the FBI could be right -- but then maybe this is the result of an Amish experiment in cloning among their livestock, and this experiment went somewhat awry!!!


KFC Super What? - at Clarion PA!
Subtitle: Super Bowls Are One Thing But....!

Ooooh! Just couldn't resist the temptation to pass this one along, since it was taken in my home town of Clarion PA -- see the majestic Clarion County Court House in the background -- a fellow high school classmate was the sitting judge in that court house before retirement a few years back -- and in Clarion, you can use the word "super" in connection with more than the term, "Super Bowl" -- ummm -- I wonder if they still teach spelling in my home town???? --- cdh

A double whammy on this one! Upon seeing this sign, a pastor friend in another part of the U.S. wrote to me and told me of an experience he had in a church he served some time ago -- beautiful church with a solid oak baptismal font containing a plastic bowl to hold the water. Some sincere person who wanted to make sure the bowl didn't get mixed up with other bowls in the kitchen felt the one in the baptismal font should be clearly identified, and so the following ID was written on the underside of the container: "Bowel for Baptisms" -- who said you can't find a reason to smile in church once in a while?


A Bricklayer's Insurance Claim!
Subtitle: And You Think Your Day Was Rough!

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 135 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground - and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel, slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to move, and watching the barrel six stories above - I again lost my presence of mind.

I let go of the rope!

-- author unknown

-- circulated on the Internet


More Wisdom from Dear Abby!

Dear Abby:

As much as it pains me to say this, my husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me but has cheated on me our entire marriage. He's a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They also know he's a lying cheat, but they avoid the issues. He is a hard worker, but even many of his co-workers are now leary of him.

Everytime he gets caught he first denies it all, then admits that he was wrong, and then begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long now that everyone in town knows with certainty that he's a cheat.

I am truly exasperated and at my wits end. Please tell me what I should do.

(signed) Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

Abby

-- circulated on the Internet


Support the Bill Clinton Monument Project!"

REQUEST FOR MONEY:

Dear Friend:

We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee to raise five million dollars for a monument of Bill Clinton. We originally wanted to put him on Mt. Rushmore until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.

We then decided to erect a statue of Bill Clinton in Washington, D.C.Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington,who never told a lie, or beside Jessie Jackson, who never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the difference.

We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, did not know where he was when he got there, returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else's money!

If you are one of the fortunate people who have anything left after taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worth while project.

Thank you,
Bill Clinton Monument Committee

PS: The committee has raised over $ 1.35 so far!


Protecting Our Nuclear "Secrets!"

To: All staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy

Dear staff members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you, but it's a sad sign of the times.

2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code will be reversed. Please don't tell anybody.

3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is . . . ."The stickers will be available at the front desk.

4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will no longer be hyper linked via the Internet to such Web sites as www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com, or www.hackers-r-us.com. Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.

5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.

6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised to "keep un eye on zem" for us.

7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping the kids with their science fair projects.

8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween, the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.

9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during working hours.

10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must enter through the front door. Raoul, the janitor, will no longer admit employees who tap three times on the side door to avoid clocking in late. I know this crackdown might seem punitive and oppressive to many of you, but it is our sworn duty to protect the valuable national secrets that have been entrusted to our care.

Remember: Security isn't a part-time job-it's an imperative, all 37 1/2 hours of the week!

Sincerely,
Bill

Received from Linda A Russell
via Good Clean Funnies List


Oh, To Be Ten Again!

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"

She said, "I'd love to be ten again."

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the park--the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake.

Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"

One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."

[Source: Good Clean Funnies List]


And You Think You Are Having a Bad Day?

Next time you think you're having a bad day recall:

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an ax leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And the capper.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits!

Here's hoping your day is better than any of these

[Source: Circulated by friends on Internet!]


Understanding the Isms of the World!

Socialism: If you have two cows, give one to your neigbor.

Communism: If you have two cows, you give them to the government and the government gives you some milk.

Fascism: If you have two cows, you keep the cows and give the milk to the government; then the government sells you the milk.

New Dealism: If you have two cows, you shoot one and milk the other; then you pour the milk down the drain.

Nazism: If you have two cows, the government shoots you and keeps the cows.

Capitalism: If you have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull.

Source: A clipping from a mountain of clippings belonging
to CR's mother, dating back into the 40's or earlier!


Easing the Pain of Paying the IRS!

Dear IRS:

"Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached newspaper article and you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600 for a toilet seat. Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429. Please note the overpayment of $22 and apply it to the Presidential Election Fund, as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article: HUD paid $22 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.) It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year."

[Source: Washington Times and relayed via
The Federalist Brief 00/02/15]


The Theology of Toys!

  • Capitalism - He who dies with the most toys, wins.
  • Hari Krishna - He who plays with the most toys, wins.
  • Catholicism - He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
  • Anglican - They were our toys first.
  • Greek Orthodox - No, they were OURS first.
  • Atheism - There is no toy maker.
  • Polytheism - There are many toy makers.
  • Evolutionism - The toys made themselves.
  • Church of Christ, Scientist - We are the toys.
  • Communism - No matter how hard you work, everyone gets the same number of toys.
  • Amish - Toys with batteries are surely a sin.
  • Taoism - The doll is as important as the dump truck.
  • Mormonism - Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
  • Hedonism - To heck with the rule book! Let's play!
  • Hinduism - He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
  • 7th Day Adventist - He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
  • Baptist - Once played, always played.
  • Jehovah's Witness - He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
  • Existentialism - Toys are.
  • Confucianism - Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
  • Non-denominationalism - We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them.
  • Agnosticism - It is not possible to know whether toys make a bit of difference.
  • Methodist - We respect each person to have the right to their own toys, we do not judge if their toys are good toys or bad toys, A toy is a toy.

[Source: Pastor Tim's Clean Laugh List]


Excuses Carried to School!

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch at Galveston:

  • My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  • Please excuse Lisa for being absent.She was sick and I had her shot.
  • Dear School:Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  • Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  • Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  • John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  • Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.He was hurt in the growing part.
  • Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  • Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  • Please excuse Ray Friday from school.He has very loose vowels.
  • Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday.He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  • Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  • I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
  • Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  • Sally won't be in school a week from Friday.We have to attend her funeral.
  • My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  • Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  • Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday.She was in bed with gramps.
  • Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
  • Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  • Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat. Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around.Her father even got hot last night.


Letter Home from Student!

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

___________________
Reply from dad...

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

[Source: Good Clean Funnies List]


Potomac Incident!

Three young lads were walking along the Potomac River and suddenly heard a loud splash, then a voice shouting out, "Help me, help me -- I'm drowning!" Seems President Clinton had been walking on a bridge over the river, leaned over the edge to look at the water below, lost his balance, and fell into the river! (or was he pushed?)

As he was about to go down gurgling for the third time the three boys jumped in, swam out to the prez, and brought him to the river bank.

After he finally coughed up the last bit of that pure Potomac water out of his lungs, the president began to express his gratitude.

"You boys just saved Bill Clinton, president of the United States! I want to reward you, for now I can continue my agenda of further weakening the military, get those horrible guns out of the hands of the citizens, create further chaos in the Social Security system and the Medicare system, erode our national sovereignty, push for more government intrusion into the people's private lives, and create a larger dependency class with government hand outs! So I really want to reward you for this act of bravery in saving my life."

To the first boy he said, "Young fellow what would you like?" To which the lad replied, "Well, I'd like a new bike. My dad hasn't had much work and said he just couldn't get it for me right now." "No problem," said the prez. "You'll get the best one money can buy!"

To the second one he asked the same question. The lad replied, "I'd like a computer. My dad is working at a pretty good job but it takes about all the money to pay the taxes and the bills. He said someday he hopes to be able to afford one for me." "No problem -- I'll see that you get the fastest and most powerful machine on the market!" said Bill.

The same question was then put to the third boy. Surprisingly, he responded, "I would like a wheel chair, but not one of those you have to run by hand. I want one of those fancy electric ones with the little stick so that you only have to use a couple of fingers to steer it." Perplexed, the prez asked, "But why do you want one of those? You swam out and helped save me when I was drowning. It's obvious that you are not crippled or handicapped in any way."

To which the lad quickly responded, "No I'm not now, but I will be when my dad finds out I helped rescue Bill Clinton from drowning in the river!"

Passed on to me by good friend, Bob Clark, with some modifications about the agenda items!


Showdown on Who Blinks First!

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a U.S. naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

This little gem passed on to me by long time friend, Charlie Phillips of CA.


Reasons Not to Wash!

If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic. For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites-they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time!

-- passed along by Mike Gordon, fellow member of the Jude Fellowship, who picked it up from Tim's Clean Laugh List.


WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. SEUSS

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY

To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX

It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN

What chicken?

JERRY FALWELL

Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

KEN STARR

I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the President's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES

I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -- and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN

The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

COLONEL SANDERS

I missed one?

Circulated on the Internet starting with C. Brisco, Tustin, CA

Drop back, my friend, because there is more to come in the days ahead. And if you are a later visitor, take a look at what's in the Humor Hut Archives listed just below. Remember, a good laugh will do you good. And if you don't laugh once in a while, you'll find yourself crying ALL THE TIME!

Humor Hut Archives - Good Stuff from the Past!
Good & Bad News for the Pastor!
Y2K Compliant???
Donations Needed for the President!
Palm Beach Voters from A to Z!
Attainable Resolutions for the New Year!
Scientists Confront God!
Signs with Unintended Messages!
The Big Lipstick Crisis!
Ten Worst Cars of All Time with Testimonials!

Hold it! Take me back to the front door of the Humor Hut -- I need to laugh some more!

Return to or Sneak a Peek at C. D. Harriger's BLOG at
Musings of a Maverick!

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